“ Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 1.5K
“ I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 2.6K
“ I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic’. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 3.8K
“ There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 3.2K
“ I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 4K
“ There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 1.8K
“ Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone longterm, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 2K
“ Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 418
“ My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 84
“ Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 3.1K
“ My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 3.9K
“ My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house. ”
- Chelsea Handler- Copy
- 1.5K
- 1