“ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 280
“ I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 142
“ My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 3.1K
“ I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.6K
“ I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.8K
“ I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.1K
“ I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 1K
“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.2K
“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 404
“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 3.3K
“ New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 870
“ The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 1.7K
“ New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 3.8K
“ New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.2K
“ I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?". ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 3.2K
“ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 3.7K
“ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 1.1K
“ My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.5K
“ My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 2.5K
“ Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 1.5K
“ I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 1.4K
“ Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 1.4K
“ I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'. ”
- Emo Philips- Copy
- 403
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