“ People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 2.3K
“ Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 2.9K
“ 13. I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.1K
“ Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 204
“ Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 3.8K
“ The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 3.2K
“ I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 2.5K
“ It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.5K
“ A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.4K
“ Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 3.5K
“ I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 4K
“ There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 211
“ I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.7K
“ I hate housework! You make the beds; you do the dishes. And six months later you have to start all over again. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 3.6K
“ I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 3.6K
“ I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.2K
“ I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to tupperware. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 2.7K
“ Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.3K
“ I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 3K
“ I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 853
“ Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 1.9K
“ My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. ”
- Joan Rivers- Copy
- 2.5K
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