“ The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday – no matter what happened Tuesday. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Happiness can be really facile – To be with my wife and children, would be the deepest joy. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 3.3K
“ America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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“ Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 3.4K
“ Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 2.5K
“ So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 2.9K
“ I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 2K
“ All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 1.2K
“ Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a selfimposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
“ If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 3.4K
“ Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
- 605
“ Arkansas: Come for the meth, stay because you traded your car for meth. ”
- Stephen Colbert- Copy
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