“ I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, ‘Have you got anything I’d like?’ Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ‘Extra medium.’ ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 2.1K
“ A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 945
“ I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!". ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 3.2K
“ My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 225
“ My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you? ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 183
“ I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.9K
“ We need to encourage policies that recognize that being a little long in electricity is much better for consumers than being a little short. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 2.7K
“ If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 2.5K
“ I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 3.7K
“ When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.3K
“ My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 3.4K
“ I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.7K
“ I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.9K
“ We need to encourage policies that recognize that being a little long in electricity is much better for consumers than being a little short. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 3.6K
“ When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?". ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 617
“ I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 853
“ The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 2.5K
“ I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!". ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 2.2K
“ Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.1K
“ The commemorations have been very moving for all of us and have been a demonstration of the solidarity of seafarers. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.2K
“ When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 3.3K
“ If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 2.5K
“ I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 4K
“ I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ”
- Stephen Wright- Copy
- 1.6K
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